The Middle of the Middle

Home and Work and Homework

2005-07-15T19:40:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back in the Middle and it feels good. I was completely blessed to miss the attacks in London by 24 hours having departed for Ireland on the morning of the 6th. But, the events there made me even more ready to return home than I already was. I was, of course, horrified by the events, and also pretty shaken since I'd been living and working in the near vicinity of where two of the explosions happened. I think I'm still processing all of that...

Upon arrival, I've thrown myself into working on the house. So far, I've dedicated myself to ripping things up - namely, weeds and carpet. There is almost no carpet left upstairs -- and I've got the very sore fingertips, multiple scrapes, and some bruises to prove that pulling up carpet is hard work! I started with my bedroom, which is pretty much a rectangle and therefore straightforward. Then, I moved onto the stairs -- less easy and required the use of pliers. The edges of the stairs that stick out beneath the railing and into the living room space are still wrapped in carpet since I can't quite figure out how to get it off, but I will. Trust me. Next, I tackled the bathroom carpet. SO DISGUSTING. Not only was the carpet around the toilet stained, the smells released as I pulled it up where horrid. Ugh. I immediately dragged the whole thing out of the house and put it out with the garbage wearing gloves which I threw away after giving the floor a good scrubbing. After that, a shower to complete the de-grossifying process. I'm still kind of disgusted by it, but at least it's done. Ripped up the carpet in the small hallway up there too. All that remains is the carpet in the spare bedroom. I need to move my things back into my bedroom so that I can move things out of that bedroom and take up the carpeting. It's going to feel so good when it's done. I also filled an entire 32 gallon trash can with yard waste. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. But at least the yard looks less shabby now. I think I need to look into starting a compost heap. It seems wrong to put all of that into a yard waste can, but it's the easy solution for now.

I'm anxious to get these gross tasks done so I can move on to the more fun stuff -- like painting and seeing things really take shape and become my own. With each step though, the place feels more like it's mine and more like it is my home, not just a place where I happen to be sleeping right now. A good feeling.

So, in celebration, I'm spending the rest of tonight with Harry Potter 5 in preparation for Harry Potter 6 for which I have set aside all day tomorrow (almost). Glee!

WiFi-Less & Reflections

2005-06-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

So,my long absence has been due not to the lack of things going on here, but to a sudden, and unwelcome, loss of my stolen wifi access. Alas, I've been condemned to internet cafes and, until now, have not had time to post.

In a week and a half, I'll be back in the middle of the middle. It's been a great trip and I don't think I can fully process at this point all that I've done and seen. Loads of work done in the library and more miles walked than I've walked in a LONG time. I've been constantly amazed to see locations and buildings that figure into my work and I feel like my studies have really come to life in an entirely new way. I'm looking forward to being able to bring that into the classroom in the fall. Now it's not all just 'book learning'-- I've got some experiences that will factor into what I teach and that always makes things more real to students. I've been taking all sorts of geeky pictures to use in the classroom too -- poor students, tortured with pictures and stories. Ah well.

I've got a conference paper and a talk to give in these final days, which is a bit stressful, but I'm trying to stay positive and just enjoy these presentations as unique opportunities for learning and exchanging ideas. But, I'll still be relieved when they're done.

And,I'm ready to return to some of the comforts of home where I don't have to sleep on a rock-hard bed, walk 10 minutes the launderette and then pay the equivalent of $10 per large load to do the laundry, and where I can bake. Ah. I will miss the hustle and the bustle, the energy of the city, and the endless supply of amazing things to do and see, but I'm comforted by the fact that I miss home and friends. That, I think, indicates some level of contentedness about where I am right now and that makes me happy.

The City

2005-06-05T12:57:00.000-07:00

Today I walked (and walked and walked and walked) the streets where the world I study lived, worked, and played: the old City. I left my flat (in what is now central London) and walked down Charing Cross road to the Strand (where, and this was news to me, there used to be the bank of the Thames until the Victorians came along and changed it with their embankment!) and back up to Covent Garden where I got to check out some Inigo Jones' remaining handiwork (St Paul church - where Eliza Doolittle sells her flowers in My Fair Lady) and the bits of the market that he designed that still stand. Then, across the infamous Russell Street (no longer, it appears, home to bawdy houses and such) and back to the Strand, which became Fleet Street, home to printers thanks to Wynkyn de Worde. Sadly, there are no real traces of the printing history of the street except for a tiled tribute/history that I stumbled across in an alley after leaving the Inns of Court where I walked by Temple Church (must go back when services aren't in session). I had, at this point, passed Temple Bar, but hadn't yet entered the old city. By the time I did, I had ended up somewhere in the middle of it and saw the Temple of Mithras (which, disappointly, had been moved from the original site - and depth - and put in a more convenient location so they could get on with building the building they were putting up when they discovered the thing), the Royal Exchange, the Swiss-Re building (aka the Gherkin, though I think it looks like an Easter egg), the Lloyd's building (starred in Blade Runner I think) and Leadenhall Market (very cool, but not open. Would be better with people there. It was also, apparently, used in Harry Potter for the location of the Leaky Cauldron.) Anyway, I got out of there and eventually wound my way down to the Tower. The point of this whole journey was, really, to follow the course of the old London Wall and really get a sense of what formation the city took back in the day. So, after a quick coffee break at St. Katherine's Docks, I began my Wall Walk with the rather amazing chunk of the wall that stands just north-east of the Tower. An even more magnificent chunk, with interesting openings and such, is just up the road in the courtyard of a hotel. Strange, but true. From there, the actual visible bits of the wall become pretty sparse, but you can follow its route. It was amazing to be able to really walk the entire outline of the city in just over an hour (not counting the many random stops I made). It was amazing too to think that just on the other side of the wall, there was countryside. And now the city stretches on seemingly endlessly.
I interrupted my circuit of the wall to walk through the Postman's Park (quite lovely with a touching and somewhat informal tiled "Memorial to Heroic Self-Sacrifice". Each memorial was about 6 tiles total - 3 across and 2 tall - and told the story of how someone died heroically - saving people from fires, from trains, from out of control horses, from rivers and canals. Many of the dead were young children who drowned trying to save their playmates. All were from the late 1800s and early 1900s. There were a lot of blank spots that had obviously been prepared for more memorials, but the idea seemed to loose momentum after the first few years of the new century. I continued my detour to go to St. Bartholomew the Great which has some standing medieval and Tudor bits - quite nice. Just next to that was the site of Braveheart's execution. And, down the street: Smithfield Market. Nothing going on there on a Sunday afternoon, but I'll try to go back.
Then, back to my city wall walk, except for a short stop at St. Paul's Cathedral for Evensong. The boys' choir was AMAZING - they literally brought tears to my eyes. Their voices were so pure and the way they rose up into the space of the cathedral that was designed to make great acoustic things happen, and just hung there mixing with the new notes being sung, was incredible. And the boys were so adorable - so talented, and yet, so much little boys. They came scurrying in in their robes, complete with ruffs (most of which were all catywampus or half-off by the end of the service) and their mussed-up hair and were just so cute. And then they opened their mouths and they were amazing. A strange thing about the service is that, since the place is such a tourist-spot, you have to tell the "stewards" that you are in fact attending service. And then, these men in tails, vests, and pin-striped pants, all topped off with a sort of medallion on a red ribbon, seat you (in wonky movable chairs). Anyway, it was lovely. I may go back, but I'm not sure how much longer the boys will be there. It must be time for their summer holiday soon.
To keep this from getting too much more tedious, I finished up my wall walk, crossed the river, and hung out a bit in Southwark, home to often less-savoury characters and a bunch of my faves. I was pretty exhausted at that point, and had done something weird to my foot (it still hurts A LOT - am hoping it will feel better overnight so I can still go to Greenwich tomorrow), so I had a bite to eat and a pint of real Ale (yum!) at a pub and made my way back to my flat. A successful day I think!

Some Observations and Some Plans

2005-06-03T10:06:00.000-07:00

In the category of wonderful and terrifying:
- the amber light goes on before a red light goes green. As a driver, I'd find this wonderful since it would mean no one would have an excuse for not going as soon as the light turns green (a pet peeve of mine). As a pedestrian, I find this a bit terrifying since, if you're crossing in a crosswalk that doesn't have the little red and green men, as I often do when getting across Euston Road to and from the BL, you've got to start running when that amber light comes on and all the cars start to rev their engines (really!). I've noticed that drivers - of cars, cabs, trucks, motorcycles, and even bicycles - tend to speed up when they see someone in the crosswalk. Eeek!

In the category of surprisingly good timing:
- First, the surprise: the reading rooms close at 5 on Fridays. Oops - was planning on staying 'til 6. Now, the good timing: as soon as I got into my flat, thunder erupted and a downpour started. Good thing I didn't get to stay until 6!

In the category of what I've been up to:
- At the library I've finished up with some of Queen E's proclamations and have also managed to transcribe (almost) two pamphlets, one from 1674, the other from 1609. I've never typed for such long, interrupted periods in my life and am slightly concerned that I'm doing damage to myself (fingers really hurt at lunch today). Must remember to take some things to read so I can take breaks.
- Around town I've not done much. I've been pretty exhausted when I get home from the library, though on my lunch breaks I've found some delightful (if a bit pricey) cafes. My favorite so far is "Les Deux Amis" near the BL on Judd St. I think. A perfect blend of English and French -- very cozy. I think I might have to start packing a lunch (to save money) and then stopping in here for "white cafe" (what they serve you around here when you ask for coffee -- basically coffee (espresso?) with A LOT of milk. I've had to start making my own coffee with a French press in my flat in the morning in order to get my coffee "fix").

In the category of what I'm going to do this Sunday and Monday (my chosen "days off"):
- Sunday: church at St. Paul's in hopes of hearing the boys choir before they end for the summer and then wandering around the "City" in search of pre-Great Fire buildings. Maybe some exploration of Southwark across the Thames too. Have already been to the Globe, but am curious about the museum at the Clink... More searching for pre-Fire buildings and/or landmarks. Oh, and a quick hello to the replica of Drake's Golden Hinde...

- Monday: Greenwich and the National Maritime Museum. I think, given my interest in all things maritime, I may want to visit here more than once, and I think too that the exhibits here will be of help to my research. So, I'm going to go now so that I can do a "scouting" trip and know if/when I want to return. This may even qualify as a "research day" later when I just don't feel like going to the library.

In the category of what I'm doing right now:
- Just had a dinner of humous and pita bread and am watching UKTVStyle Gardens. Getting my fill of house and garden shows before I go back to cruddy cable and a house that needs some fixing! :) May venture out in a bit to wander through some bookshops, provided that the rain lets up...

More to come!

geeky bliss

2005-05-31T14:03:00.000-07:00

Today I hit the library. I had to laugh at myself because I was working with these old documents (400+ years) and was just thrilled to touch them and read them and think about the fact that the folks I study would have probably touched and read other versions of these documents. I just kept imagining the lives of these pages and considering where they'd been in centuries past. I'm having a hard time believing that I'm actually here doing this - I imagined that this sort of thing would be possible once I finished the PhD and got a job, but the reality is still hard to grasp. But, I like it! I've only felt so connected to the things and people I study once before when I visited a specific location where one of my major sources took place. It's amazing how these places and artifacts can bring everything to life - and really give me new perspectives on the things I study. I'm excited to be able to bring some of this back to the classroom, if only through anecdote. The funny thing about London is that most of the things connected to what I study burned down during the Great Fire in 1666. So, I'm left to seek out what structures actually do remain, and also to search out streets and other such things that are mentioned in the texts I study. Then the imagination has to come into play.

I'm starting to build a list of places and things I want to find before my time's up here. Right now it seems like I've got a ton of time - over a month! - but I know it'll go by quickly, so I've got to make the most of every moment...

Tomorrow, up early, off to the library by opening time, and then some sort of adventure in the evening... Maybe I'll bring my guide book to consider over lunch.

New Home Away from New Home

2005-05-30T15:12:00.000-07:00

So, all went well with the transition to the new home back in the middle of the middle and now I'm pretty well settled in at my new home away from my new home - London. I have an itty-bitty-teensy-weensy flat in central London. It's barely more than a room, but it has a lot of windows (lit only by light wells, but still). And, it has a narrow "half-door" that opens into one of the light wells that's my own little patio. It'd be private even, except for the fact that about 3 or 4 flats have windows that look out onto it. Most are frosted though, so it gets some of its privacy factor back. I haven't spent much time out there yet since I've been busy having fun with some friends from the middle who are here and with a friend of a friend. Unfortunately, all parties are leaving tomorrow, so I'm on my own from here on out. I'm glad for the transition period though and am feeling ready to get to work at the library starting tomorrow morning.

This experience in London is so different from my experience 7 years ago when I came through for about 3 days after 2 months of backpacking with a friend. Then I was exhausted, I was completely broke, and I stayed in a scary "Tent City" and then a scary hostel. I felt like I had to do what I was "supposed" to do in London and had a good time doing it. BUT, it's liberating this time around to have the luxury of not being concerned with those things (I've seen the guards change, no need to do it again). This time, I can just "live" here and enjoy being a part of the city. Hanging around with my friends here was great. It brought a sense of normalcy to being here and they were also able to show me less touristy sides of the city in addition to doing fun things like seeing a play at the Globe. I think my favorite thing though was taking a 10 mile "urban hike" along the Regent's Canal down to the Thames and then along the Thames to the London Bridge. The canal is just a different world - we saw all sorts of neighborhoods we might not have otherwise and the canal itself has a life of its own. Waterfowl, canal boats, industrial sites, old council flats, new luxury condos. It was great. I plan on starting where we did but heading in the other direction at some point. It'll be less fun doing it on my own, but I know I'll enjoy it in any case.

Tomorrow: the library. Wish me luck!

The soon-to-be new home of Randomgirl

2005-05-16T19:25:00.000-07:00

So, this is it! Inspired by clonk, here's a picture of my soon-to-be new
home! Imagine me on the porch, sitting on the porch swing I'll install,
drinking coffee and reading a book. Aaaaaah.

Then, imagine me mowing that lawn. And, afterwards, needing a massage.

Please Let it Just be Finalized -- NOW!!!

2005-05-16T18:35:00.000-07:00

Question for the day: why are underwriters dorks? I mean, the underwriter got back to my mortgage guy today about my loan and asked where a deposit to my checking account came from. If they had looked carefully, they would have seen that it was a transfer from another account. Thus, not a *real* deposit at all, just a moving of funds. Silly silly. But of course, this silly thing doesn't mean that there's no work in it for me. Oh no. Instead, it means I have to write a letter explaining the above and then provide documentation for this other deposit that was my tax return. Again, if they compared the tax return info. to the deposit amount, it'd be pretty self-explanatory. UGH. But, now I've provided the info. and hopefully they'll confirm all is well in the morning. And we need the sellers to get on the ball too - repairs need to be done ASAP (as they've known all along) so that the inspector can verify them. I am SO ready for it to be Friday and for this all to be done. I don't deal well with limbo - and I don't deal well with not being able to "control" what's going on.

Hoping and praying that on Friday, I've signed my life away and have keys to my new home...

On a happier, and far less stressful note, I had coffee with one of my students who just graduated today. It was really nice to sit and chat and hear all about her plans for the future. Talking over coffee with her just confirmed for me why it is that I like this job - I've been able to have an affect on her life (a positive one) and she's had more of an affect on mine than I think she probably knows. The bittersweet part is having to see these great students move on and away. It's the whole point of the thing, but it also means constantly saying farewell and good luck to great people. I think the pros outweigh the cons and the updates - should they come - will be sweet treats to keep me going as the years go on.

The Whirlwind Continues

2005-05-12T15:05:00.000-07:00

So, things have been absolute madness here in the past few weeks. I mentioned a few weeks ago when I posted about making new screens for my apartment windows that maybe I was practicing for future homeownership. Little did I know that I would soon after that find out that my apartment building is "going condo." And, I REALLY didn't know that what I thought of as probably-casual house-hunting would turn into me buying a house on which I am scheduled to close May 20. Wow. I'm really glad I've gone for it, but who knew how many random details, etc. were involved in buying a house. Exhausting. Add driving 20 hours RT to a conference and finishing semester grades to the mix and you've got one exhausted randomgirl. Though I literally feel like a new person now that grading is done, I'm taking today off to make phone calls and just rest a bit. Tomorrow, getting started on the packing.

Despite my fears about homeownership, I'm really excited about this. I love the house - it was built in 1918 and has a great porch and lovely large rooms on the main floor (living, dining, eat-in kitchen, and sun room that will be my study). I'm having visions of the great parties I'll throw and all the work I'll get done sitting in that little sun room and on the porch. Happy thoughts. As is the thought of finally getting to have a pet. I know that there's a kitty out there who wants to come home with me. :)

Home improvement adventure stories will be sure to follow!

Wrapping Up Year One

2005-04-28T12:40:00.000-07:00

It's almost complete. Year One. I have one more class to teach (read: give evals and distribute exam review) and then loads of grading to do. But the teaching itself is pretty much over. It's hard to believe. I look back over the year and see that a lot has been learned and done. It's been a whirlwind. So, for what it's worth, here's the year in review:

• Survived the invasion of the bats; learned that my colleagues are as helpful and supportive as I thought they would be
• Learned about teaching upper-class courses. The difference in my own confidence between semester one and semester two was marked. I'm proud of myself for making the changes necessary and really learning that I need to be "me" and not some vision of "me" that I feel others expect.
• Have made some wonderful friends in the department and around campus. Today, our department administrative assistant told me she thought I fit in wonderfully here. Nice to hear - and it feels that way too. I feel like I belong.
• Learned to drive in the snow! Hurrah!
• Managed to find some balance; did some social things, worked a lot on teaching, did some research.
• Worked with wonderful work-study students who have been an absolute delight and, without really knowing it, have taught me a lot.
• Learned many things about my own teaching and about what it means to teach what I do. I'm excited to keep working on all of this and improving what I do each term.
• Realized that I like working at a mid-sized school – you go places and know people; you can really know your students and interact with them in a variety of settings – from the classroom to the sporting event. It feels like a real community that we’re all part of, invested in, and committed to.
• Mentored a few students on their way to grad school, fellowships, work, etc. and got to experience what it's like to invest in people and really get to help them out on their journey. I'll miss some of them very much.
• Learned that I like this profession. Sometimes when politics are crazy, grading is all-consuming, preparation for class is slow I forget that I like it. But I do. Getting to think and talk about exciting things and meet great people more than makes up for the less-fun parts of the job.
• Made it through the rough-patches with the support of friends and family, most of whom are long distance. I miss them all a ton, but it was good to see that those relationships can survive distance.
• All in all, I'm happy.

Um. It's Snowing.

2005-04-28T07:00:00.000-07:00

Yep, it's the last week of April, classes are finishing up, and it's snowing out there. It won't accumulate and not much is falling, but it IS snowing. Too bad I wore sandals today!

Fresh Air

2005-04-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

I've had an ongoing problem at my apartment - the windows are oddly sized (41.5 inches by 60 inches) and they swing out from the bottom. So, there are no screens. The problem: when the windows are open, bugs come in and, given my prior experience with my home being invaded by bats, I'm not taking any chances there. Today, I discovered a solution! Turns out they sell make-your-own screen kits at the hardware store. So, after purchasing the kit, a hack saw, a wheely-thingy that pushes the screen and the rubber scrim (?) into the grooves, and some screening, I came home and constructed a screen - that actually works! This was made a bit difficult by the fact that I don't really have workspace for these sorts of projects, but I managed to make it work on the living room floor. To catch any mess from the sawing, I spread out pages of newspaper and used a stack of old newspapers to prop the screen-frame I had to saw. Felt pretty resourceful! I've got 4 of these windows, but I think I'll be happy with even just 2 screens. So I'll take on #2 tomorrow. But tonight, with thunderstorms approaching, I get to sleep with my window open for the first time since October (when Bat #2 arrived in my previous apartment). I LOVE sleeping with my windows open, so today is a happy happy day - or, rather, tonight is a happy night! :) Silly, but there you have it.

Perhaps I'm practicing for eventual home ownership...

Spring Has Sprung - At Last!

2005-04-11T08:21:00.000-07:00

Finally, Spring has arrived. It's much later than what I'm used to, but it's beautiful. Daffodils are coming up all over the place and there are the gorgeous trees with white blossoms everywhere. I think they must be the vanguards of the spring blooms since they seem to have burst into blossom over the course of the last week. Other trees are just beginning to show buds. Oh, and the magnolias are out too. I had to drive through the 'burbs to come to this realization. They are everywhere in the residential neighborhoods and the combination of the ivory and the pink on the petals was simply delightful, especially since there are still a lot of blossoms on the trees, but enough petals have fallen to create gorgeous pools of color on the ground below. The gardening crew on campus is busy getting things spruced up for graduation next month and it's fun to see more green and color coming to campus. In the midst of a lot of bad news - my colleague whose condition is not improving, students' friends and family members who are also facing life-threatening illness - it's nice to see a beautiful and renewing side of the natural cycle of life surrounding us. It's a reminder that even in the middle of bad times, beauty remains.

We're in the middle of our first cycle of spring storms as well. They have the potential to be destructive, but they also bring life and green with their rainfall. And the clouds are amazing to watch. They are constantly changing and moving and each change indicates something new about what is to come. I'm learning to read them and it makes me feel more in touch with the natural world around me even as I sit in my office and grade student work. From my office, I've got a great view over the central mall on campus and one of those white-blossomed trees is just outside my window. I can see out over the edge of campus to the "big sky" that's out there, interrupted only by a couple of highrise buildings on the edge of downtown. Right now a cool breeze is coming in at the window (as opposed to the usual gale-force wind) and my curtains are lazily wafting in it. The clouds are building and are a combination of grays. Storms are likely throughout the day - if they come, hopefully they'll come with good thunder and lightning, but no destructive hail. I like being here. It's a good day.

Wasabi Peas

2005-04-05T18:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not much good at titles - and today, I'm not even going to try. I'm finishing up my day with a rediscovery of wasabi peas. YUM! I haven't had them for a long time. Saw them at the good food store and YUM! It's a good thing they're HOT. That will keep me from eating too many at a time - the burning sensation in the nasal cavities is less than pleasant. But soooo worth it.

Apparently I'm living up to my name today - totally random.

I also went for run #2 today. It was good. I went outside and met my little mini-goal. I've got a nice little notebook and gold stars to reward myself with (yes, it's just like I'm 5 years old again). I'm recording what I do and then setting a goal for the next time. I really want to make this work and to make it to doing a 5K in the fall or something.

Just talked with the new colleague who will be joining us in the fall as well. It's really nice to get to help someone else with making the transition after I was so kindly helped last year. And, she's really great. I'm looking forward to having her join the department.

I guess that's enough for now. I promise I'll try to have something substantive to say one of these days. Right now, my mind's just on the day to day.

Sun, Rest, and Gearing Up

2005-04-03T15:46:00.000-07:00

It's been a lovely, lovely weekend here. Sun and mild temperatures have successfully tempted me to be rather lazy. I've given in and have set my goals fairly low in terms of school work. If I can comment on some student self-evals, then I'll count it a successful weekend this time around and I'll aim higher next weekend!

I did go to coffee and a chic-flick yesterday with a friend. It was good to just get out and do some relaxing things. Then, after chatting with another friend - long distance - about her desire to do a second marathon (!), I got inspired to try to take up running on a far less intense basis. No great strides made, but I did get a properly-fitting pair of shoes and actually spent some time on the treadmill this afternoon. (I'd have preferred to go outside, but the store said I can return the shoes if I have problems so long as I stay on a treadmill - so, that's where I'll be for a while...). It was good to get moving. I just have to keep telling myself that anything is better than nothing and that I don't have to be instantly wonderful at this for it to be worthwhile. That's why I usually end up quitting. So, I'm committing to it this time and trying to have patience with myself. A good life lesson in general.

Now, back to my fairly lazy day, getting things done around the house and just taking some time for me. Funny to think that for many people, a weekend like this is normal and involves no guilt - or even the temptation of guilt... I do feel that I'm now ready for the coming week though - I can, so to speak, hit the ground running tomorrow morning!

Gray and Stormy

2005-03-30T08:18:00.000-08:00

It's gray and stormy out today - lots of rain falling and thunder rumbling, but no spectacular displays of lightning. The atmosphere is reflective of the mood around here today. One of our colleagues collapsed in the hall yesterday and, as of this morning, she's still not breathing on her own and had not regained consciousness. I don't know her well, but I am, of course, very concerned for her. Those who have been here longer and have worked with her for years are really on edge - and reasonably so. There's just a pall over the whole department and I'm having a hard time getting anything done. It's such a strange thing when someone else's life is so seriously and gravely on hold and the rest of us have to continue on as if everything is as it was. I'm not good at that. It's all a reminder of just how fragile life is and also another reminder of what good people make up this department. Everyone is so concerned and is doing what they can in the situation.

I don't really have anything interesting or insightful to say about all of this. Just that it really sucks and I don't know what to do.

Connections

2005-03-28T19:05:00.000-08:00

The past two weekends have been full of travel that has allowed me to see much-loved friends and family. I love taking these trips and remembering how much I love being around my friends - from grad school last weekend, from my early childhood this past weekend - and my family. But it's so hard to return to life without having them around. I feel like I'm able to stay really connected to them via the phone and email, but there's nothing like being together live and in person. Staying up late, joking around, processing what's going on in our lives... This all happens when we're apart, but it's so much richer and more fun when we're together. In my fantasy world, I get to have all the people I love right here with me. In my real world, I have to accept that so many of the people I love are scattered around the country - and even the world. I've made choices that have moved me farther away from some of these folks, and they have made choices that have taken them elsewhere - and I think it's all for the best in the end as we get to pursue doing the things we love to do. But that doesn't make it all "better." The reality is that I still miss them. A lot. Visiting them just makes that so much more real and even more deeply felt. I wouldn't not want to visit to keep from having to say sad farewells, but there's no getting around the fact that the farewells do hurt. I suppose I should focus on how joyful the hellos are.

No more visits or travels for me for a while. It'll be good to settle back in to being here and focus on what's going on here. I feel so scattered right now, like I've left little pieces of myself in SF and in IL where I visited friends for Easter. In some ways, I have. But I have to gather myself and be present here. And then, when late summer arrives, I'll be ready for some more travels and some more hellos.

Over and Out

2005-03-17T05:18:00.000-08:00

At last, the time for me to teach my morning class and then head to the airport is nearly here! I'm so looking forward to seeing friends and family out in SF. Oh, and to giving my paper, of course! That actually needs some polishing yet this morning - and possibly on the plane ride out west. It's in pretty good shape though, and the panel is more of a roundtable than a formal panel, so all should be well on that front.

Things I'm looking forward to: catching up in person with friends from grad school, seeing my family, eating really good food, seeing the ocean, walking all over the place, doing no grading for a few days. Right now, in my exhausted back-from-break state, I'm also looking forward to putting on some tunes on my ipod and trying to sleep on the plane. Hurrah! Perhaps some pics upon return...

I Hate Grading

2005-03-13T13:13:00.000-08:00

I know, *everyone* hates grading. But it helps to verbalize the hatred sometimes or, in this case, put it in writing. It's no fun and it's all I've been doing this weekend. (Well, I did take a break to run errands and put spring-time bedding on my bed yesterday [wishful thinking that spring really is around the corner, despite freezing temps], but most of the weekend has been dedicated to grading). The end is in sight (6 4-5pp. papers from my majors left; 15 3-5pp. papers from my first-years) but it's not close enough. I'm giving it another hour and then it's time for a change of pace so I can return to it this evening. UGH.

Proof of Acclimation

2005-03-12T15:05:00.000-08:00

So I must be adjusting to life here in the middle - at least in terms of weather. I walked over to a cafe this morning and then ran some errands this afternoon wearing track pants, a long-sleeved T-shirt, and a sweatshirt. It was a bit cool, but nothing too bad for a short walk and making trips from car to store, etc. Then, on my way home, I passed the local news channel's digital thermometer - it read 32 degrees. Yep, it's freezing out there and I'm not wearing a jacket, let alone a coat. Maybe there's hope for this CA girl after all.

A Thing I Cannot Do

2005-03-11T16:44:00.000-08:00

Say No.

Projects New and Old

2005-03-11T08:50:00.000-08:00

So spring break is practically over, I have a bucket-load of grading left to do, I need to get classes planned since I leave town for a conference out west on Thursday, and I was supposed to finish revising an article this week. But what am I doing? Daydreaming about what else I want to do. Like go to London this summer - which I get to do but shouldn't be spending time thinking about right now - and start the little local project I mentioned in the last post to help me feel like I actually live here.

For the second project, I've decided, after doing some random driving this past weekend, that I'm going to start exploring the surrounding small towns. In the past, I've been satisified to just know the city in which I was living because I always knew I was leaving. Now I want to stay here. So, I feel like I should know what lies outside the city limits. At the very least, that will mean that I can identify the places on the weather map when they are getting hammered with severe weather. And, maybe I'll find some favorite spots that can be little retreats that belong just to me and that I can share only with people I really like. :) I'd love to find some great little diners and parks where I can go to read and/or work and just be. As I mentioned before though, it's a little bit tough to do that in small towns where everyone knows everyone and I will obviously be the outsider. Harder to blend. But the towns around here are neat. They've got a lot of history and they're trying to survive in a world where small towns aren't so viable. As much as I'm more of a city girl, I believe that the small town is an important place and should be supported - especially as evil-Walmart tries to take over the world and ruin towns and cities everywhere all the while saying it's helping them. So, we'll see. This would be a good opportunity to start learning how to post photos to this blog too.

In the meantime, I should really be focusing on my old project - this revise/resubmit article that just needs to get out the door. I've been doing reading all week for it, but now I have one book to finish up and then I have to face actually doing the revisions. Never as much fun as I think it's going to be. But I'll feel so good if - no, when - I get this out the door. To accomplish some scholarly work in this first year on the job would be a major feat for me and would help me relax a bit (just a bit).

On a related note, I've been having weird anxiety dreams lately. I woke up yesterday morning completely tense with my teeth clenched. I'm not exactly sure what it's about. Probably a whole lot of things. But I hate those kinds of nights. I woke up at 2am thinking it must be time to get up, then again at 7am in knots and with a sore jaw. Last night was a little bit better. I woke up with my arms folded behind my head (usually a sign that I've slept pretty deeply, and it always cracks me up because it's a more appropriate posture for lounging on a chaise in the sun than for sleeping in one's bed, but hey, whatever, right?) but was still feeling kind of tense/exhausted. Hopefully a good push of intense grading and other work this weekend will resolve it some. And then I can have lots of fun on my trip next week too. A good thing.

Now, back to work.

tornado siren

2005-03-05T08:03:00.000-08:00

it's march. it's not tornado season (i don't think). yet, all through the winter, they test that tornado siren at its designated day and time just like during the season. this is one of those things that reminds me i'm in the middle. at first it really freaked me out. now i find it almost comforting in a strange way. knowing that it's going to happen and why it's happening makes me feel like i know what goes on here. it's a ritual, a sign that we all recognize and that, in another situation, would mean we should all run for cover but on this day and time once a month means all is well. anyway, it's kind of funny that this thing that seemed so strange now makes me feel at home.

spent some time driving around this weekend - exploring 2 lane highways and finding random small towns. it was fun. i think this might be my new weekend project... to find a new small town and explore it a bit. who knows, i might find some real treasures! the complicated thing about that project though is that i stick out like a sore thumb in these small towns where everyone knows everyone. it's rather uncomfortable. so maybe mid-size small is what i'm after. we'll see. it's fun to come up with a project like this though - maybe i'll pair it with some photos and see what kind of portrait i can come up with of my surrounding environs.

it's hard to believe that spring break is zipping by so quickly. if only i could multiply my time and thus get more things done. alas.

Thought I might be down for the count...

2005-02-03T18:51:00.000-08:00

but I'm back! Yesterday I felt sure I was coming down the with creeping-crud that my students all seem to be passing around. Lingering bits of achiness and itchy eyes, but far more energy today. And, I didn't look grey. Looking grey is weird - especially when one's colleagues all notice it and, when you look in the mirror to confirm it, you realize they're right! Some spaciness filtered into the classroom this morning, but all in all, it was an okay day.

I'm a little worried about T. - she goes in for her next round of chemo tomorrow. She's doing really well and is staying upbeat, but I know the last round was a bit tough and I just hope that this round doesn't get tougher. I'll check in tomorrow and make sure she's doing okay.

I'm grateful that my week is pretty much over now. Tomorrow, some work on the article needs to get done. Then, over the weekend, it's time to try to get ahead. Is that even possible?! I feel like it must be, but as of yet, it exists only in the realm of the theoretical for me. Alas.

Staying Awake...and Trying to Have some Fun

2005-02-01T16:42:00.000-08:00

In the past week we've had two more candidates visit and, in addition, regular life has continued on. I'm completely exhausted and feel like I could probably sleep for a week. Seriously. But I'm staying awake and trying to enjoy it since I have no choice anyway.

Good news though:

1. I heard back from a conference I applied to that will be held in Oxford this summer and I'm in - v. excited!

2. Section 2 of my 100-level course is so much fun! They're such a different group from Section 1. I don't have to draw them out, they're engaged and ask great questions, and they also make great comments/observations. They're just really on the ball and they energize me! So glad that they do since we meet in the late afternoon.

Must take these bits of good news and use them to energize myself. Getting some real exercise probably wouln't hurt either. I need to make the most of these next weeks so that I can get ahead (is that possible?!) and really enjoy the time while my folks are visiting. They return to the States from abroad in just about a week and will be here in less than two. Very fun. More fun if I get some work done in advance. But the pull of sleep is sooooo strong. Must resist. Must be productive. Maybe I'll be productive in front of some bad tv. A good compromise I think!

Getting in the Groove

2005-01-25T09:40:00.000-08:00

Today - or least this morning - was a good teaching day! :) I felt like my course (a required one for the major) hit a groove this morning. I was fairly relaxed, something I struggled with in my upper-div class last term, and I felt like we hit a nice balance of my leading discussion/providing analysis and information and the students really contributing their own readings and questions to the mix. There were smiles, we seemed to make some real progress through the texts in a way that clearly built on what we'd been doing, and the period was over before I knew it! They didn't seem to be antsy either - I accidentally kept them a minute or two over and no one was even packing up. Amazing. Here's to more of these days (even as soon as this afternoon when I have my two freshman courses).

It's good to have one of those classes that reminds one why one loves to do this...

-------------------
Update: Afternoon classes went really well too - except for when a student nearly had me convinced that something happened in the text that didn't. I think I recovered from that pretty well. All in all, a very good day!

Sharing in the Anxiety

2005-01-21T07:46:00.000-08:00

So, I really thought I'd just be able to "chill out" about these candidate visits and not really relive the anxiety of the whole experience from last year. Nope. Last night, I was tossing and turning, thinking about what must be going through candidate 1A's head about the job talk and the various worries that come with trying to be social and friendly and collegial while also remembering that you're being interviewed. I was also terrified that I would confirm my bad-escort fears and somehow sleep through the alarm and not show up at the candidate's hotel on time - or something. At one point, somewhere around 5am, I woke up with a start in a cold sweat, convinced I'd screwed something up. Needless to say, I hadn't. But, good sleep was now beyond me, though I managed to stay in bed until 6:15. Then I proceeded to get ready and putz around the apartment so I wouldn't end up showing up too horribly early at the hotel. Ended up getting there just before 7:30, though we were supposed to meet at 7:45. It all worked out, but if I get this anxious each time a candidate comes (5 more to go) I'm going to be a wreck. Must learn how to control these anxieties - or at least find a better and more productive way to channel that anxious energy.

One thing I can say for sure: I'm so glad to be employed and so happy to be where I am here in the middle of the middle.

Week's End...Almost

2005-01-20T20:01:00.000-08:00

My teaching week is over now. I feel like we had a good, solid week and managed to set a good tone for the semester in each class. Including having to "shush" a couple of boys in one class. They seem like good kids, but boy are they chatty (and not in the good ways). So, unlike last term, I decided to nip this one in the bud. Doing so made me feel like I was being kind of harsh, but I think it was a good decision. As was waking one student who was completely out during discussion. Granted, it was about 4:15pm and warm in the room, but still. Sleeping won't go unnoticed or unchecked in my classroom! :) Okay, so my being "harsh" and calling students on bad behavior wasn't really the tone I was talking about. That was really more about the fact that students were really beginning to get into discussion and we are beginning to establish a comfortable rapport (which, in some ways, does relate to how one is able to nip bad behavior in the bud). Just to clarify.

Having accomplished a long teaching day - and even managing to get most of my mid-term assignment done for my majors course - I then hung out on campus waiting to meet up with candidate #1 for job A. It's weird for me to be on this side of things, having just been a candidate last year. But, dinner was fun - and, before going to dinner, I got to meet (again) the Dean of the Graduate School who was quite complimentary regarding my research proposal which got summer funding. I was amazed that DGS even remembered it - and flattered too. It's nice to get some affirmation like that, especially when you least expect it.

But anyway, had dinner with the candidate and a colleague and it was really fun. The candidate seems quite nice. Though conversation seemed to flow well for the most part, and I think we all had fun, I kept obsessing in my head about being sure that I wasn't doing anything "against the rules" and coudn't, for the life of me, remember what I talked about during my campus visits. It's a weird thing to be the one who is kind of responsible for directing conversation. Turned out we talked a lot about coffee, caffeine, and the weather. Oh, and the good things about the city. I think this is pretty much the sort of thing we talked about when I was visiting places. I guess that's good then. I just didn't want to end up quizzing candidate #1 about her/his work and stuff, but it's hard to have a totally natural dinner when there are "rules" and the unavoidable fact that this is, after all, an interview. Ah well. More chances coming up - must pick up C1 at the hotel at 7:30 and then do dinner again on Saturday evening. By then, at least, there will be more to talk about. I think, ultimately, I just obsess too much over these things. What can you do? Okay. Must turn in so I can actually make it to the hotel on time and not be the "bad escort."

Total Exhaustion and Chatty Phone Person

2005-01-18T18:42:00.000-08:00

Long day two today. It was great to get started on the material in my classes today - folks seemed to have been mostly prepared (with the exception of a few who were sadly and horrifyingly unprepared for an easy-peasy quiz). They were good sports in all three classes and really made an effort to participate and ask thoughtful questions. I felt pretty good about what we were able to accomplish and even about my little intro. lectures. I don't really fancy lecturing, but I'm working on making it more fun for me and for students. What really gets me jazzed is discussion. It looks like we have good potential for good discussions in all three classes. I've been consistently impressed with students here - they're really ready to take some risks!

I was dragging by the time it was my turn to go to my third class... Fortunately, they energized me. But when class ended just before 5, I was BEAT!!! This may have had something to do with my failure to fuel myself properly - coffee for breakfast followed by pop tarts for lunch simply won't do. I must try to improve on this. I hate packing lunches and don't really have time to go get something between office hours and class #2, but I have to figure something out.

As a result of the exhaustion, I've given in to a guilty pleasure - the horrible audition "Season Premiere" of American Idol. I don't really want to watch the rest of it, but somehow watching people sing horribly on national television is weirdly comforting. Maybe after a day of being "on stage" it's just refreshing to see other people be on stage and embarass themselves far more than I could possibly have done in any class. I suppose this strange attraction to this horrible show will just remain a mystery in the end.

To conclude, I just had an oddly personal conversation with the guy who makes reservations at a hotel I'll be staying at in a couple of months. As arrangements were being made, it seemed that odd little details kept coming out until we were talking about where I grew up (not near here, but near the hotel location) and what I was doing now and who I was visiting, etc. All innocent enough, but when I hung up I thought, "Huh. That was kind of weird." But then, is it even weirder that having a mildly-personal conversation with someone who is helping you seems weird? Wouldn't that have been normal and a "plus" in days gone by? Shouldn't we interact with humans in such a way that acknowledges that we are more than just robots or automated voice menus? Anyway.

In other news, we're enjoying a heat wave. It was in the mid-30s today. How very sad that I actually can refer to that as a heat wave with a perfectly straight face... If it weren't for the super-strong winds, it would have been downright balmy!

Unintentional Science Experiment

2005-01-16T13:36:00.000-08:00

So. We all know that soda cans explode when you freeze them, right? In that case, why is it that I, currently living in sub-freezing weather, didn't realize that the 12-pack of Diet Coke I left in my car trunk last week would freeze and explode in my trunk, just like it would in the freezer? Yep. Opened up my trunk this morning to put away some new groceries and encountered Diet Coke snow all over the trunk. There were pieces of DC cans scattered about the trunk (one top blew completely off and ended up across the trunk from the box), two whole cans had burst from the unopened "fridge box" and were split down their middles. UGH. Not only did I lose a precious dozen cans of my beverage of choice, I had to scoop out handfuls of DC snow from my trunk. That was bad, but I can only imagine what it will be like when we finally get above freezing and what I couldn't remove melts. Sticky mess. I'm not really sure *how* I'll clean that up. I guess I'll worry about that when it happens - it doesn't look like we'll get above freezing for a while, so I guess it's not urgent. Hopefully I've learned my lesson on this one. I mean, how stupid can I be? I guess this lends some credence to my current theory that being cold makes you dumb.

I've felt fairly foggy-headed since it's been well below freezing and occasionally below 0 (F). Despite foggy-headedness, however, the first day of classes went well last week. I enjoyed meeting all three of my classes and am hoping that I will be able to get all of their names down within a reasonable amount of time. I'm always ambivalent about first days. I love getting in there and meeting the students, but, just as when I was student, I really just want to get to day two so we can really get into the material. So I'm excited for Tuesday to get here so we can get down to business in my classes. But, before we can get down to business in class, I need to get down to business here and do some prep! Here goes...

Pedicure Priorities

2005-01-11T17:10:00.000-08:00

The new term begins tomorrow. I spent all day on campus getting ready for classes to start and monopolizing the photocopier while I still can! I anticipated that this semester would begin more calmly and serenely than the last (during which I was plagued by bats in my apartment). But, last week I found out that my grandmother, T, was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. She's doing well - and keeping in good spirits - but there are still a lot of unknowns at this point. Her particular lymphoma is a slow-growing sort that is very treatable - a very good thing. She begins her treatment tomorrow with an antibody treatment. It lasts for 5-7 hours! My hope and prayer is that she'll respond well to it so she can begin eating more regularly and exercising a bit more. Then, on Friday, she has her first infusion of chemo. Of course, I'm hoping that she responds well to this too so that the treatment actually gets her on the path toward feeling well rather than making her feel even sicker.

The great thing is that, in the midst of all of this, she's made sure that she can squeeze in her spa pedicure. I love that that's a priority right now and it's just a great example of her spunk and tenacity. When I'm 83, I want to be like her. In fact, I want to be like her now. She's an amazing example to all of us - even as she's going through all of this, she's constantly thinking of each of us and how we're doing with what's going on. Amazing.

I'm grateful that "routine" begins tomorrow. Having a place to be and things to do in a concrete way is always a help.

Oh, and I learned what "freezing drizzle" is today - stuff that encases your car in ice and causes you to have to scrape your windows in the parking lot before you can leave work and come home.

3 am

2005-01-09T01:24:00.000-08:00

It's now past 3 am and for whatever reason, I can't sleep. So, what better time to start a blog?! Perhaps it was the four cups of coffee I drank at dinner, or maybe it's the million and one things I need to get done before the new semester starts, or maybe it was the loud boys having a snowball fight below my window in the wee hours of this morning. Whatever the culprit, it appears that there's no sleep ahead for me. Until, of course, this afternoon when I want to work and will only be able to think of sleep. I should work now, but somehow that would be too much of an admission that I am really awake.

Anyway. Saw _A Very Long Engagement_ this afternoon. It was a lovely film, despite the very graphic battle scenes. It was fairly reminiscent of _Amelie_ in style which I, being an _Amelie_ fan, enjoyed. Now I've been watching _Nurse Betty_ on USA - somehow I'm not surprised that it's been slated for the middle of the night. Strange flick.

Tomorrow, finishing syllabi and dragging myself out into the cold again. Finally got up the guts to drive on the only-somewhat-snowy roads today. The 14" we got a few days ago was enough to keep me locked up in my apartment and I wasn't sure this west-coast girl would ever get up the nerve to attempt driving. Today I could see a lot of pavement and decided I was up for the challenge. And, I made it! I'm not sure that driving around with snow on the ground in freezing temperatures while combatting a windshield clouded by salt residue and freezing wiper fluid is my favorite new pastime, but at least I don't feel like I have to be a hermit each and every time there's some snow on the roads.

I guess that's enough randomness for one day. Perhaps more later...